The international football friendly falls somewhere between a waste of time and player abuse. Thomas Tuchel turned England’s final engagement before the announcement of his World Cup squad into an audition, which proved even more counterproductive.
The defeat to Japan mirrored the draw against Uruguay in failing to inform Tuchel or entertain the fans. England players left the pitch to boos from those seats that were still occupied, and with a feeling of despondency ahead of the World Cup, which was not quite the brief when Tuchel signed his contract extension two months ago.
Instead of an audition, which served only to hike the tension for creatives like Phil Foden, Cole Palmer and Morgan Rogers, none of whom were remotely effective, Tuchel should have sent out the players in party hats and with bells and whistles, anything to lift the mood around the England scene.
When was the last time you saw an England player smile? Nobby Stiles, I’m guessing. Palmer and Foden had the bearing of kids forced to run the school cross country in their dad’s old trainers. Even watching England play on dead Tuesdays is the opposite of cool, the players and fans feeding off the suffocating ennui.
Tuchel was brought in to solve the ancient riddle of English failure dating back 60 years. We have argued ourselves to the outer rings of Saturn and back over the reasons why a succession of talented squads have returned home potless, leaving us to conclude that the players are just not good enough.
If Tuchel’s predecessor, Gareth “no-risk” Southgate, got one thing right, it was to make an English footballer a cool thing to be again, to restore in the players a sense of pride and worth that gave them half a chance of justifying themselves. As a consequence, England bounced into a World Cup semi-final and back-to-back Euro finals.
It was Southgate’s innate caution that ultimately held England back, inhibition and fear taking hold against opponents who instead of shrinking seemed to embrace the experience, unencumbered by the “weight of the shirt”.
Perhaps placing a very serious man in charge of a team in need of laughs was always going to run into this problem, Tuchel’s instincts adding layers of responsibility instead of catalysing a lightness of being.
An anecdote from a Marbella restaurant from a friend at an adjacent table to Xavi. As a good Gooner, he could not resist. And I quote: “Downtime over the summer then post World Cup he takes the Spain job. He has Spain down to win the World Cup, of course, and he insisted it’s Paris Saint-Germain vs Arsenal for the Champions League, although I said Paris Saint-Germain vs Barcelona. He thinks England have great players but he’s seen first-hand they play with fear.”
It was noticeable in Berlin how Lamine Yamal and Nico Williams lit up the Olympiastadion with their smiles as much as their fleet foot work down the flanks, as if they were dribbling round their mates in the playground.
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Vinicius Junior, Kylian Mbappe and Mo Salah are other exemplars of the type, players unafraid to have a pop, who break into song when they score and even giggle when they hit the corner flag. There was none of that at Wembley on Tuesday night, at least not among those in white.
Palmer and Foden in particular appeared laboured and stressed, denied access to their best selves by the absurdity of being asked to prove themselves worthy. These are self-evidently good players. To claim they fall short technically when for the most part they have shone in elite company is ridiculous.
Tuchel can’t take ‘em all, of course, but he has a duty to ease the passage of those on the plane by making the World Cup fun, something to enjoy. If he pulls that off we might have something to celebrate, and an “I told you so” or two to serve Xavi whenever you are next in Marbs.
